when i look at a certain someone i smile. a huge smile.
and then i kiss them on the cheek
and then i smile some more.


i barely have the internet anymore. just know that this person helps me to smile.

my sister called me today and so we got to hang out and wander around target. we did the usual 'make fun of everything' routine that we always do. we tried on sunglasses, bought mini snickers bars just because they had green insides, and spent a long time playing with fake flowers in our hair. why is this fun? because no one else will do this with me. it's just my sister who will go and wander around and waste time and not act like she's a failure because she's not doing 700 things at once. she may be ocd about washing her hands but at least she's not ocd about seeming busy. i know a lot of people who talk a big game about being busy but really accomplish nothing at all.

it's hot out. i have mixed feelings on the weather. it was so nice to just go out to the acme this morning to pick up my perscription while still wearing my pajama shorts and some flip flops but i don't enjoy the fact that my body just seems to run at a higher temp than is healthy. i sweat nonstop. it's really foul. i bought new deoderant today and hopefully that will cut down on that unpleasantness. smelling isn't an issue though...it's just the underarm wetness. thank god i'll wear tank tops. three years ago, you wouldn't catch me in one if my life depended on it.

my hair is curly. what confusing hair.

tonight i'm supposed to go dancing at the m room. i kind of just want to go to a playground and play on swings in the nice cool night air instead of paying money to be touched by really smelly hot drunk people. i don't really like drinking beer at all when it's hot out. the whole thing doesn't appeal to me. drinking at a bbq? nope. i don't like to drink and sweat (back to the sweating issue).

i got to hear the best secret ever today...and guess what...it's a secret...and you're not going to hear it. too stinking bad...because it's the best.

i got good news from my insurance company today that made me happier than happy. i can't even express how thankful i am.
i also had a relatively nice day at work. bobby was only there for half of the day and the rest of the kids were just awesome.

at times you question yourself and you question if you're an asshole or not. a lot of this is based on the fact that others portray you as being crazy or dependent or whatever. basically...i guess it's about time to stop letting people who only see what they want to see influence the way i look at myself.

i need to go collect little wildflowers for work now.

i work a lot and sometimes i get frustrated at work
i bought work pants and i hate them due to the nature that they are work pants and i will not remove them from my car
i just ate some wheat pasta with garlic on it

i'm having a "blah" day...uber blah.
it needs some sparkle.

so this week at work has been eventful.

yesterday i found out that one of my students wasn't going to be in for a while because he stabbed his mother with a knife. he's 6. he stabbed her with a knife. why? because she wouldn't wipe his butt when he pooped. the kid screams at me about that every day that he comes to school (which isn't often). luckily we don't keep knives in the classroom.

last night two kids threw a huge piece of wood at another kid in afterschool and then called him a "fucking bitch." really...kids can be so evil.

today a kid in the other k-1 class randoming started screaming. when we finally calmed him down, we lifted up his shirt and there were tons of bruises all over his back. he said his dad hit him a couple of times. if it was a couple of times, it must have been with the damn car because those bruises were dark and there were a hell of a lot of them. we spent the rest of the day on the phone with CYS.

in the midst of all of that, the other kids in my class are being amazing. they were so cute today and we all danced along to some music out in the sun.

i'm reading, i'm enjoying the weather, i can't wait to mow the lawn, and there are only 7 more weeks of school left.

it's not half bad.

last night i sang alone at karaoke for the first time ever
it wasn't totally bad and i was really proud of myself for just being lame for the sake of being lame and making the people i was with laugh.

as much as people think i'm a little hard on myself...i've got kind of a shit-ton of self confidence when it comes to some stuff....more than i ever had before. hell, i kind of rock sometimes.

p.s. i don't think i'll ever be a vegetarian again....and this tummy illness....stinks. i feel like junk.

what the hell? really??

a friend of my dad's is moving into the house for a little bit on saturday. nothing like finding out crap at the last minute! this means that even though i was sick...i spent my day moving furniture and cleaning. it's almost done. i moved into the bigger room and my dad's friend can have the smaller more depressing room because she sucks.

thanks to the lovely stomach bug that i have, the moving of objects has caused me to vomit more than once. i tried to eat some soup but it was terrible tasting so i'll stick with throwing up my tummy bile and dreaming about when food tasted awesome.

i'm listening to old mix tapes and cds that people made me and they are making me smile. even if the songs on the mixes are completely impersonal and arbitrary, they still hold memories. happy ones that make me smile.

"...until I find someone else to fill that void. "

being told in no uncertain terms that you are just around until someone finds something better....kind of really stinks.