when i look at a certain someone i smile. a huge smile.
and then i kiss them on the cheek
and then i smile some more.


i barely have the internet anymore. just know that this person helps me to smile.

my sister called me today and so we got to hang out and wander around target. we did the usual 'make fun of everything' routine that we always do. we tried on sunglasses, bought mini snickers bars just because they had green insides, and spent a long time playing with fake flowers in our hair. why is this fun? because no one else will do this with me. it's just my sister who will go and wander around and waste time and not act like she's a failure because she's not doing 700 things at once. she may be ocd about washing her hands but at least she's not ocd about seeming busy. i know a lot of people who talk a big game about being busy but really accomplish nothing at all.

it's hot out. i have mixed feelings on the weather. it was so nice to just go out to the acme this morning to pick up my perscription while still wearing my pajama shorts and some flip flops but i don't enjoy the fact that my body just seems to run at a higher temp than is healthy. i sweat nonstop. it's really foul. i bought new deoderant today and hopefully that will cut down on that unpleasantness. smelling isn't an issue though...it's just the underarm wetness. thank god i'll wear tank tops. three years ago, you wouldn't catch me in one if my life depended on it.

my hair is curly. what confusing hair.

tonight i'm supposed to go dancing at the m room. i kind of just want to go to a playground and play on swings in the nice cool night air instead of paying money to be touched by really smelly hot drunk people. i don't really like drinking beer at all when it's hot out. the whole thing doesn't appeal to me. drinking at a bbq? nope. i don't like to drink and sweat (back to the sweating issue).

i got to hear the best secret ever today...and guess what...it's a secret...and you're not going to hear it. too stinking bad...because it's the best.

i got good news from my insurance company today that made me happier than happy. i can't even express how thankful i am.
i also had a relatively nice day at work. bobby was only there for half of the day and the rest of the kids were just awesome.

at times you question yourself and you question if you're an asshole or not. a lot of this is based on the fact that others portray you as being crazy or dependent or whatever. basically...i guess it's about time to stop letting people who only see what they want to see influence the way i look at myself.

i need to go collect little wildflowers for work now.

i work a lot and sometimes i get frustrated at work
i bought work pants and i hate them due to the nature that they are work pants and i will not remove them from my car
i just ate some wheat pasta with garlic on it

i'm having a "blah" day...uber blah.
it needs some sparkle.

so this week at work has been eventful.

yesterday i found out that one of my students wasn't going to be in for a while because he stabbed his mother with a knife. he's 6. he stabbed her with a knife. why? because she wouldn't wipe his butt when he pooped. the kid screams at me about that every day that he comes to school (which isn't often). luckily we don't keep knives in the classroom.

last night two kids threw a huge piece of wood at another kid in afterschool and then called him a "fucking bitch." really...kids can be so evil.

today a kid in the other k-1 class randoming started screaming. when we finally calmed him down, we lifted up his shirt and there were tons of bruises all over his back. he said his dad hit him a couple of times. if it was a couple of times, it must have been with the damn car because those bruises were dark and there were a hell of a lot of them. we spent the rest of the day on the phone with CYS.

in the midst of all of that, the other kids in my class are being amazing. they were so cute today and we all danced along to some music out in the sun.

i'm reading, i'm enjoying the weather, i can't wait to mow the lawn, and there are only 7 more weeks of school left.

it's not half bad.

last night i sang alone at karaoke for the first time ever
it wasn't totally bad and i was really proud of myself for just being lame for the sake of being lame and making the people i was with laugh.

as much as people think i'm a little hard on myself...i've got kind of a shit-ton of self confidence when it comes to some stuff....more than i ever had before. hell, i kind of rock sometimes.

p.s. i don't think i'll ever be a vegetarian again....and this tummy illness....stinks. i feel like junk.

what the hell? really??

a friend of my dad's is moving into the house for a little bit on saturday. nothing like finding out crap at the last minute! this means that even though i was sick...i spent my day moving furniture and cleaning. it's almost done. i moved into the bigger room and my dad's friend can have the smaller more depressing room because she sucks.

thanks to the lovely stomach bug that i have, the moving of objects has caused me to vomit more than once. i tried to eat some soup but it was terrible tasting so i'll stick with throwing up my tummy bile and dreaming about when food tasted awesome.

i'm listening to old mix tapes and cds that people made me and they are making me smile. even if the songs on the mixes are completely impersonal and arbitrary, they still hold memories. happy ones that make me smile.

"...until I find someone else to fill that void. "

being told in no uncertain terms that you are just around until someone finds something better....kind of really stinks.

remember the little train that could?

well...

that dude was a trooper. i need to take a lesson from him.


it seems no matter how hard i try i still suck.

a lack of updates doesn't mean a lack of activity or desire to update or anything like that. i think it means more...i wasn't online and i didn't have the chance to get online. email now is checked about once every three days.

stuff is feeling ok. some is different. some is good. some is ok. some needs to change.
rae makes me smile because we have good conversations where i say shit that i really mean and then i realize i really mean it and am shocked because i didn't think about it before i said it.
i feel a bit...forced right now.
and last night i said something that i knew i meant "i know what i want." i do know what i want. i know it all and i'm just trying to figure out how to get to it. i'm one of those people who wants lots of things...but i'm able to focus on a few select things to get the job done. ha, the job. how lame that i look at it like that. but yeah...i know what i want. i knew before and i didn't go for it and stalling is getting me nowhere. it's time to act. it's time to move. it's time to get my rear in gear.

and tonight...i'm eating tacos which is pretty neat too.

this week has been long and today was pretty long too. some of the kids from upper darby were kicked off of their school bus by the police on their way home so i had to take a company van and drive them home. driving through upper darby when i have no real idea where i'm going is odd. very strange and pretty scary.

i lived though. it was kind of fun. we sang in the car and laughed a lot.
i want a turkey sandwich.
i'm okay.

i had this dream last night that made me pissed off at just about everyone.  in my dream, everyone believed the person who said i stole the puppies. they believed them and they thought less of me and didn't even listen to my side of the story. i lost friends and i lost the respect of everyone i knew. how come people are always so damn eager to place blame? i woke up and was pretty crabby to everyone until i remember that it was just a dream. i do that sometimes. after that, i had a pretty nice day and we learned about knocking on doors before opening them and we had two firedrills and i talked to my coworkers about how i think it's nuts that they pay $150 to get their hair done.

life goes on.

this week has been kind of a shitfest. it began saturday night and has just continued to pile stuff on top of me. random little things (a kid at work bending my glasses in half, being bit at work, getting stuck at work for 12 hours without being paid for the last 4, sitting in IEP meetings with parents for hours when i really just wanted to be sewing or sleeping, etc) combined with bigger things (dad's ex girlfriend attempting suicide and having to break into her house, car costing $1200 to fix, and i think i broke my right ankle...it's pretty swollen, etc) have made me really just want this week to end and the weekend to begin. why? i'm not going to do anything this weekend. lots of spending time by myself and doing some stuff for myself and thinking and reading and writing and more thinking wll happen. it will just be nice to not have to be happy miss sam for 2 days straight.

this isnt to say everything has been crap. some definite good things have happened.
-cleaned my room and bathroom (it's so clean. a lot more simple than it was with all of that stuff on the walls)
-dad helped pay for my car
-ate dinner with aryse and she was so happy it rubbed off on me for a little bit
-watched little miss sunshine with my dad one night while we ate porkchops together
-andrea made me go to roller derby with her on monday and then we all went out to eat pizza fries afterwards and i had a really nice time with her and mike.
-wrote my dad a long letter being honest with him about a bunch of stuff that i had been holding in...and he's being pretty good about it.
-i've been listening to music, spending time by myself, and sewing a lot.
-talked to anna and i'm looking at plane tickets to go stay with her in portland very soon.
-have spent little to no time on the internet this week...it's nice.
-becky wrote me a really nice letter about stuff.
-i got the picture of my class and it makes me smile.

i think i'm going to go get changed and maybe watch snakes on a plane or listen to some music. even though a lot of crap has happened...i've had some time to really think about it and that's the best thing. i realize that i'm not the biggest asshole in the world and the main reason shit has been messed up was just because i was too scared to be completely honest. i wasn't being malicious...i was being scared. at least i know i won't ever do it again. i've forgiven me at least...at least i've got that. unfortunately my birthday is coming up and that normally means me feeling like shit. i expect this year will be a bit more amplified due to stuff. i'm planning to just wax over it now...it'll be best.

i really like the song 'blueberry hill'

i'll be around...just not around on the interweb.

my day was easy and full of training and ended with me doing a car bomb with mr mike (who is a fellow teacher's ass.) and then downing a pbr before marc drove me home.

stressfree is the way to be.

i like the fact that during training i drew a ton of pictures of bikes and a picture of a person with half of an octopus body. it made me laugh.

that and the phrase "drug exposed baby" randomly shouted out by our presenter.

classic.

someone took my check card today and used it
the bank gave me the money back and a new check card
i got paid to eat pizza and cupcakes and watch shrek
now i have a tummy ache
my lips are dry
my hands are cold
i laughed a lot today
and i said "fuck" a ton

i think i'm going to do laundry. maybe i'll write some letters. maybe i'll draw some pictures.

tomorrow=inservice
monday=day off

sympathy and empathy are attractive traits in people.
not being a paranoid nutjob is also attractive.
realizing that everything is not about you....attractive.
getting the hint when something is about you...super attractive.
the ability to converse well about awkward shit and still come out smiling...highly attractive.
that connection...more attractive than i can ever explain.

i am not attracted to many people.

happy valentine's day
i had a really nice one
snow day=no work
snow=building a snow fort with my dad
grocery store=seeing andrea and giving her hugs and cheek rubs


i took the bus and went to kristin's and i got to hang out with her and crack her back and eat a cheesesteak and have a nice time which was the best way i could possibly spend this day.

three cheers for the best valentine's day in a long time. none of that sappy shit...but all of the nice fun awesome stuff.